Celtic invasions Circa 600 BC: The original Brits surrender to the Celts, inhabitants of modern-day France, thereby adopting Celtic culture. Unfortunately, the small amount of Celtic invaders prevented any improving of the British bloodline.
Caesar's expeditions to Britain 55-54 BC: Caesar takes a walk in Britain, making the Britons surrender twice. He is forced to leave due to troubles in Gaul, and, fortunately for the Brits, is murdered by men in togas before he can come back as he intended to.
Roman invasion AD 44: The Britons surrender, and the Romans are only deterred from going North by the Scots. Rotten weather and poor cooking, however, ensured that Roman Britain remained a backwater province.
Boudicca’s rebellion AD 61: The Britons are roused by a spirited lass and revolt. Unfortunately, their men were not half as brave as her and surrendered. This makes the Britons the first nation to have been defeated four times by the Italians.
Anglo-Saxon invasion 5th century AD: No longer having the Romans to defend them, the Britons swiftly cave in to the Anglo-Saxons. In other words, they surrender to themselves.
Viking invasions 8th-11th century AD: The English swiftly surrender to the Vikings, recurring to bribes in order to save their sorry asses. The Danes establish the Danelaw, a series of territories surrendered to them by the English, and receive frequent, massive bribes known as the Danegeld just to keep quiet. The English lost thousands of pounds in gold out of cowardice.
Norman conquest 1066 AD: The English surrender to the French after the battle of Hastings in what may be their swiftest surrender yet. The English elites proceed to speak French and be ruled by French kings for centuries.
Civil wars 11th-12th centuries AD: The English kick their own asses, culminating in the surrender of the English to the English.
Third Crusade 1189-1192 AD: Richard the Lionhearted (or chickenhearted?) surrenders to Saladin; he then proceeds to be captured by Austrians and is ransomed for a fortune.
Bouvines 1214 AD: The English get their asses handed to them by the French, and thereby surrender Normandy.
First Barons’ War 1215 AD: The English, in true English fashion, surrender to themselves. Honor is preserved, and the tradition of surrender is honored.
Second Barons’ War 1264 AD: Likewise, Rule I of English War is confirmed: The English, lacking anyone else to surrender to, surrender to the English.
First War of Scottish Independence 1297-1328 AD: The English get raped by their neighbors and surrender Scotland to them. In the battle of Bannockburn, Robert the Bruce invented the can opener.
Second War of Scottish Independence 1332-1357 AD: The English simply don’t learn the lesson from their previous whipping and come back for more. As usual, they surrender.
Hundred Years’ War 1337-1453 AD: The English surrender to the French, losing all their possessions in France save Calais, which they had received as a dowry. The most remarkable episode of all was the surrender of the English before a stubborn peasant girl. The English are extremely ashamed of this surrender and will refer you to the battles of Poitiers, Crécy and Agincourt… which, strangely, didn’t prevent them from getting bum rushed out of France.
Wars of the Roses 1455-1485 AD: Two years after surrendering to the French, the English are left without a playmate and must resort to surrendering to themselves.
Anglo-Spanish war 1585-1604 AD: The English, for a change, surrender to the Spanish. They develop a taste for their victors’ sangria and paella, and proclaim the national custom of going to Ibiza and getting wasted.
Anglo-French War 1627-1629 AD: The English surrender to the French after a series of botched up naval expeditions. This great English tradition is nowadays known as “pulling a Dunkirk” and has proved to be a time-honored method to avoid total ridicule.
English Civil Wars 1639-1651 AD: The English fight each other, and it is uncertain which side will surrender to which. Finally, the ugliest contender, Oliver Cromwell, wins, and obtains the surrender of the cavaliers.
Second Anglo-Dutch War 1665-1667 AD: The English surrender to the Dutch, a country a fraction of their size.
Third Anglo-Dutch War 1672-1674 AD: The English pull up their man-panties, only to get kicked by the Dutch once again. The English king considers planting tulips in Westminster.
Nine Years’ War 1688-1697 AD: England joins an attempted gangbang of France by a large coalition of European nations, but fails. Fortunately, the English get to apply Rule II of English Warfare, which consists in blaming others for their defeats, and attributing themselves their allies’ victories.
War of the Spanish Succession 1701-1714 AD: Another attempted gangbang against France. The English, delighted to have a plethora of foreign flunkies to use as cannon fodder, send minimal amounts of troops and spend their time claiming others’ victories. The gangbang, however, fails, and the Austrian pretender renounces the Spanish throne.
War of Jenkins’ Ear 1739-1748 AD: The British forget their previous lesson about the Spanish, and, despite tremendous numerical superiority, get their asses handed to them by the Spanish at Cartagena de Indias: Over 10 British out of action for every Spaniard. The British manage to avoid surrender by reaching a vague settlement.
Seven Years’ War 1756-1763 AD: The British celebrate what is perhaps their first real victory against the French. Their ego grows accordingly.
American Revolutionary War 1775-1783 AD: The British get thrashed by a band of yokels with a little help from France and Spain. As a result, they surrender in Yorktown.
French Revolutionary Wars 1793-1802 AD: The British, along with their continental allies, are unable to get the French revolutionaries out of France. They retaliate by writing The Scarlet Pimpernel, a young ladies’ novel.
Napoleonic Wars 1803-1815 AD: The British decide to be cautious, and let their allies get killed for them in order to soften up Napoleon. After hundreds of thousands of Austrians, Russians, Prussians and Spaniards have died, they move in; after pulling a Dunkirk here and there, in a series of miraculous battles, they avoid their usual surrenders thanks to Spanish help in the Peninsula, as well as having their asses narrowly saved by the Prussians at Waterloo. The British, frustrated by their lack of heroism, proceed to develop some atrocious propaganda such as the Sharpe and Hornblower series.
Anglo-Afghan War 1839-1842 AD: The British decide to try the latest fashion of picking on weak, less modernized countries; this results in them fleeing from Afghanistan, pursued by an old man with a rifle from The Desert Song and his Afghan Hound, Lassie.
Crimean War 1854-1856 AD: The British honestly try to surrender, but are saved by the meddlesome French at Malakoff. They decided to celebrate, of all things, the Charge of the Light Brigade, probably one of the most absurd military cockups in history.
Anglo-Persian war 1856-1857 AD: The British claim a tie, and award several Victoria crosses for good measure.
The Pig War 1859 AD: An American farmer makes the British surrender the San Juan Islands. One of their most surprising surrenders to this day.
Anglo-Zulu War 1879 AD: The British are put to the test and succeed when faced with an opponent armed with sharp pieces of fruit. This is a fine example of the time-honored British tradition of colonial warfare.
First Boer War 1880-1881 AD: The British army surrenders to a rag-tag army of Boers.
World War I 1914-1918 AD: Thanks to French tenacity, the war goes surprisingly well; far too well, claims the British High Command. They therefore send Churchill to Gallipoli to get a nice surrender for their nation. Unfortunately, the ANZAC corps are not British and put up a heroic fight. British hopes for surrender vanish, and they must settle for a retreat.
Anglo-Irish War 1919-1921: The British surrender most of Ireland to the Irish; the shortage in potatoes causes a fish&chips famine nationwide.
World War II 1939-1945: After having pledged to help the French, the British take the “English way out” and pull a Dunkirk; this is made possible by the sacrifice of the French army at the battle of Lille. After returning to Blightey like whipped curs, they proceed to attack the Germans with their most powerful weapons: Songs like We’ll hang the Washing on the Siegried Line or The White Cliffs of Dover. These songs account for the piercing of over 100,000 German eardrums.
Likewise, the British decided to make a surrender à l’orientale, as it were, by surrendering 80,000 men in Singapore to the Japanese, and went for a stroll in North Africa where their army was chased by Rommel and a handful of determined Hitler Youths.
After a long, dreary period of listening to Churchill and Lord Haw Haw, the British are finally rescued by the Americans.
During the war, the English surrendered their supremacy at sea, which is nowadays being disputed by the Somali pirates and Canadian fishermen.
Suez Crisis 1956: When reprimanded by the Americans, the British, despite having achieved local superiority thanks to the Israeli and French, decide that it is wiser to surrender.
World War II (continued) 2005: Prince Harry, representing the British Army, dresses up as a nazi whilst surrounded by tarts, thereby surrendering to Hitler 60 years after the end of the war.
Today: The British are in a tight spot: Do they surrender to the United States by refusing to invade Iraq, or do they face an eventual surrender there as well? The British took the second way, and the long-expected surrender against the Iraqis looms larger by the minute. Unless – pardon me – you would prefer to refer to their surrender as a Dunkirk, or better still, glorious tactical retreat.
